Life's Mingle

Fourteen months, and it closed. I called it a wasted year for a long time.

But I still wake at five. I still speak to strangers without flinching. I still read the numbers before the opinions. The company died. Those did not.

I did not clear it. I was certain that was the end of the story.

I spent the following month in bed, and then a second month. Those two months cost me more than the result ever did. The result was one bad day. The response was sixty.

Now I give myself one honest day to feel it. The next morning I have to do one small thing.

Every increment for six years went straight into a slightly bigger life. Slightly nicer flat, slightly newer phone.

At thirty I earned three times what I started with and had saved almost the same amount as at twenty-four.

Now every raise gets split before it lands. Half stays invisible.

Eleven words under something I had worked on for a month. I deleted the post that night.

I did not publish anything for two years after that. I have no idea who they were. They have no idea I exist.

Every invitation, every favour, every extra piece of work. I thought I was being useful.

At the end of it I could not name one thing I had finished. I had been fully occupied and completely still.

I skipped an entire office event because I was convinced people had noticed how badly my presentation went that morning.

Months later I mentioned it to a colleague. She did not remember the presentation at all. She remembered that I had not come.

The audience I was performing for was never watching.

I was owed one. I am still owed one.

What I was not owed was four years of carrying it. The debt was theirs. The interest was entirely mine.

I turned down two speaking invitations because I did not feel prepared enough. I accepted the third only because I could not find a polite excuse in time.

I was terrible. I was also fine. Nobody died, and the fourth one was easier.

Confidence is not the entry fee. It is the receipt.

I spent years waiting for words that were not in his vocabulary, and missing everything that was.

He showed up. Every single time. I was too busy listening for a sentence to notice the pattern.

A medical reimbursement of Rs 38,000. I had every document. I just kept moving it down the list.

By the time I opened the file, the ninety-day window had closed. Nobody warned me, because nobody was tracking it except me.

Anything with an expiry date now gets done the same week, badly if needed.

I researched gyms for a month. Compared plans, read reviews, calculated the annual cost.

Then I walked after dinner for three weeks because the gym had not opened yet. The back pain went. The membership was never needed.

An argument in a group chat, in 2021. I had the better facts. I made sure everyone saw it.

He stopped replying. Not dramatically, just gradually, and then completely.

I still think I was right. I would trade that for the friendship without a second of hesitation.